hunksofspice.com

Before I begin, I suppose there are some things I could clarify about our Halloween traditions. As the Hunks are an amalgamation of existing groups of friends that unified in the name of fun and delinquency, different people within the group have different Halloween requirements. One thing we all agree on, though, is that Halloween should not be limited to one night of silliness; rather, we Hunks demand at least 3 Halloween occasions (and would prefer to have 12 full days of Halloween, truth be told).

Our most recent Halloween experience required me to branch out from my long-standing tradition of mashing up Richard Nixon with a completely unrelated idea. For the four year term of Nixon Halloweens, I had been the following:

2002: Richard Nixon, Scourge of History
2003: Senor Nixon, Bandit Scourge of the Desert Southwest
2004: Hobo Nixon, Scourge of the Rails
2005: Kanye Nixon, Scourge of the Charts

The pressure was on to create a new and better Halloween costume. Something that allowed me to stretch myself as a man, yet also be instantly recognizable to anyone that might see me. With less than 2 weeks before the first Halloween occasion, I still had no good ideas. However, one night at Franklin’s! I was struck by a wonderful concept that could not be turned away:

Now that the stage is set, here is my post the next day recalling the events from my perspective. The lack of specific times or details is due to alcohol-induced memory loss. I have added in some things that were later revealed, which will be in italics.

- Arrive. Drink vodka.
- Put on costume. Stuff pockets with money.
- First cab takes others. Wait forever. Finally, a cab for us.
- Long line at Max’s. Hunter S. Thompson. He and I tried to barge into a side door, but were denied.
- Inside. Things…? I saw a great friend from high school’s little sister. We talked for what may have been a long time, or may have been extremely short. I could not, for the life of me, remember her name at the time.
- Tell people I am “the ballin’est motherfucker on Park Place”. Throw money.
- Drinks, somehow.
- Start handing out money, urging people to invest in real estate but to avoid buying utilities because they are crap. This, and all Uncle Pennybags actions, were done with no introduction. I would just barge into a group of people and interrupt.
- Pool with Troy and 2 girls. Asian girl was cute, white girl I can’t remember. My first shot sunk sunk one of our balls and the 8 ball, but we played on. When not playing, I was nice to the girls and went through the standard intro chit-chat. When it was my turn, I called them “cheating bitches”, “bitching cheaters”, “bitches”, and “cheaters”. At some point I stumbled into the Asian girl and almost took both of us down. There was a debate raging in my head whether to seriously attempt to get the Asian girl’s number, but I realized quickly that in my current state, I would probably offer her Monopoly money for sex. I decided not to get thrown out of the bar.
- Stealing pool balls. Cue, 5, and 7.
- Leave. Lose everyone but maybe one person. Lose 7 ball. I later remembered wanting to show Troy which balls I got rather than just tell him. He had gone across the street, so I decided the best way was to roll a ball to him. It went into a storm drain instead.
- Phone calls with people who could not speak clearly enough to be understood. I demanded that anyone talking to me not talk but only listen. Shouting as loud as I could. “M! A! X! Apostrophe! S!” Somehow, I end up going in a cab with someone. This stretch included the following exchange:

Jason, screaming: “YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME ONLY! DO NOT TALK! I WILL TELL YOU! OK?!
Other person: “Ok.”
Jason: “WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY ABOUT NOT TALKING?!?!?!”
- Things…?
- Talk with Batzold…? In this talk, which concerned Fenlon using intoxication as an excuse to wrong people and go too far, I told Batzold that he was entirely right. Later, I encouraged Fenlon to wipe pizza sauce on a pillow.
- There are 2 pizzas. I had 2 slices, then was about to eat 2 more, but instead got caught up in showing Gretchen where to sleep, then joining her in the bed for the most platonic of sleeps. Before we went to sleep, I also recall Gretchen going to the bathroom on Troy’s block, up against some random car. I might have been involved in holding her up.
- Dom barges in. “Do you want to go home?” “…No.” Dom, who can tell his side of this on his own, had missed all the cabs and, livid, walked the several miles from Fells Point to the house in costume. He did get his own pizza, though.
- Wake up when Gretchen leaves. It is hot, because I’m still wearing pants, 2 pairs of socks, and a shirt, and am under a sleeping bag. Do not fix any of this.
- Wake up again to noises of others. Sweat. I believe an eternity has passed since Gretchen left, but everyone informs me it was only half an hour. Eat 1 (one) slice of bacon, drink 3 (three) cups of water. Lose dress shirt. Find dress shirt. Go home.

The hunks have a long standing tradition of something we like to call “Blackout Thursday”. Sometimes rather ridiculous things happen to one or all of us. Here you will find such random tales form our Thursday nights out.

Jan 12 - Setup: This is a post I made Friday morning. I present it un-edited, but a little setup is required. To understand why Brian got lost in my room, you have to know about my basement, which is currently (and will be for some time) a disaster. I am remodeling a bathroom and bed room, so my bedroom door was a tarp the walls were just 2×4 studs and there is shitty pink carpet and tools strung about. From time to time, I sleep there.

My post:

it is noon and i am still wasted. I was awoken by brian stumbeling into my room and taking off all his close. I went back asleep and awoke again to brian sitting in the middle of my room throwing up on his lap. I threw him the bucked i chucken in earlier that night. We argued a bit he fell over. Asleep again. Awake, brian moaning like a lion attempting to leave my room. I assukme he made it out and i go back to sleep. Awake to the claws of an animal against wood. Yell at guiness and go back to bed. Awake to scratching again. It is coming rfrom the closet. Open closet, “you have got to be fucking kidding me. Brian, get out of there” … “I need to clean up” …”Ok why are you in the closet?” groan “shut up” I help him to his feet and give hjim detailed directions on how to get upstairs. Back to bed. I woke up about 11 today to find all of brians clothes and his vomit over many items of my clothing as well as my circular saw. I am not very upset about any fo this.

Also, there are no dogs in purgatory or in the future.

Jason’s Post from the same night

That has to have been one of the blackest Thursdays ever. It harkens back to things like the shots of Cuervo to self-control, or trying to down a bottle of warm sake with Sak’s brother.

Here are things that I witnessed (note: I stayed in and drank nothing):

- Greene in scrubs, fucked up
- Troy’s suffering after eating 1 Thermonuclear wing. “I’m not going to be tough about it. I’m not going to be a man. I do not want to eat these any more.” Greene, on the same wings: “I am too drunk to feel most things, but I feel these. They are…hot. Too hot.”
- Pat and Fenlon carrying Brian in. Brian asked me if I wanted to get hit in the face, Pat said he would “knock [me] down”, and Fenlon made vague attempts at shoving me. All this, for doing them the favor of opening the door.
- Fenlon and Phil eating stolen Cheetos (no story was offered, other than that they were stolen) in the kitchen. Guinness wanted in on it, but Fenlon was not having it. First, he said “No, you get out! Purgatory is not for dogs!” Fenlon clarified that the kitchen itself was purgatory, but soon changed his tune to “No! There are no dogs in the future!”
- Fenlon and Phil then proceeded to the living room, where they began to bully and berate a near-sleeping Troy. After showering him with scorn, they then moved to slapping him in the face gently, before trying to stuff Cheetos in his mouth. This is when Troy began fighting back, which caused more slapping and harsher words. Finally, I intervened by pointing out “You guys don’t hate Troy”. Both Fenlon and Phil agreed, and began telling us how good a friend Troy is.
- I left to go get ice cream, and came back to Pat standing in the middle of the intersection. He was trying to relay directions to Alexan, so he could tell the cabbie how to get to our house. Pat got in the car, and we found Alexan on the corner of Ruatan and Cunningham (near the old house).
- After everything appeared to be settled, Pat knocked, then entered for no good reason. After a long ramble (and a “You wanna go?!”), I got him to leave. He came back a couple minutes later to tell me that he and Alexan were going to wrestle, and that I should watch.
- Pat talking a lot of shit, using his longer arms to slap-box, only to be taken down quickly once Alexan got ahold of one of his legs. Pat came in with a red spot on his forehead.
- Morning: Found Pat’s hat and bank card in the lawn. Troy let Guinness lick crumbs off of his crotch. Greene wandered around with Dom’s Halloween wig on. Brian angrily refused to get up, and then pledged to sleep until 9:25 (pledge made at 9:09). He also berated Alexan for talking to Christine, even though apparently Brian had given Alexan the phone and insisted he talk to her. Party in Dom’s room. Pat was brought to the floor twice by the words of Troy, Greene, and I. Pat was also still far too drunk to take Alexan to his car. Brian knew his car was being ticketed, and did not care. When I left at 11:45, Brian was still asleep and Fenlon decided he could not drive his truck the 1/4 mile from the golf course to Lot 1.

Phil’s Night

5:30 leave work - drive to grocery store to purchase raspberries - Call mom to find out where to get Mason Jar. Decide to get one from her. Drive to liqour store, purchase Everclear. Recall last time I drank Everclear (stabby) giggle. Steal Tony Sinclair poster for Jason (remind me to give this to you). Drive home, offer no explaination for needs of Mason Jar, but fill it with tap water and promptly leave.

6:00 on the road - driving poorly, because I am filling a Mason Jar with raspberries and then pouring grain alcohol into it. Spill booze on my lap. I briefly pondered what I would say to a police officer were I to get pulled over, which was likely given the way I was weaving and my poor speed control.

6:36 Arrive at Mulligans and order food fast. Beer and Maker’s ordered for me. We chat about some good topics, sorta loudly. Getting drunk on the grave of your hero and the cost benefit analysis of anal sex.

At this point, time no longer is an issue, because I didn’t look at a clock again until 8am this morning. I was not wasted, limiting myself to 1 round so I could drive us to the Fe.

Outside! Troy on phone. We decide to steal golf balls. Greene knows his way in and out of the balls shed and after we jimmy the ball machine he just walks into the shed and comes out with a 7 iron, 9 iron and a bucket of balls. Fenlon confirms our story ‘if anyone asks, we bought these’

I am bad at golf. Even when the ball goes out of sight after 30 feet, I can still tell that I suck at hitting it. Greene decides to pitch onto New Hampshire Ave. I claim the only test of success will be if see veering lights or hear breaking glass. Fenlon beings to aim for packs of cars!

We drive to the Fe. it is empty. I have my framboise hooch in my pocket. Fenlon orders a Purple Nurple, demanding that it be big and purple. We discuss many matters, do many shots, and get Drunk. ‘I’d rather be with you’ from Bootsy Collins comes on, and I insist on calling Dr. James Fucking Blair. We chat, I vow to bring hooch to his wedding, he agrees.

Jason Blanken shows up and I slap him in the face. Troy is saying ‘Quit being a pussy Joyces’ We find this very amusing. Everyone in the bar is terrible. I insist on keeping shot glasses after some Wild Turkey shots. The bartender says she will not ask and does not want to know what I am going to do with them. I interpret this to mean I can drink my framboise hooch with their blessing.

I kicked the fat girl. I tried to get into the back of the Fe to steal some more Dom Perignon. I am caught of course, and just explain that I am trying to use the “good bathroom”. I know very well that there is no bathroom back there, but the bouncer does not even kick me out of the bar. Slow nights!

Alexsan arrives and does a sampler. I am so very fucking proud of him. I also know he is in for a rough night. I found him on the small couch this morning, in Pat’s shorts.

I kick the fat girl again. Fenlon and I attempt to start a fight by luring some women over. At this point…the black takes over. I have a memory of eating those cheese curls but thats it.

8:02 AM. Awake and feeling pretty good. Over hear that Jason is about to leave, decide to go to work on time. I apparently slept in the dining room, with a couch cushion and under an American flag. Fully clothed. Weird.

JASON’S TALE

Pre-game: Things began rather innocuously. My original plan was to drive, rather than blackout. Troy was soon spouting nonsense phrases, despite not being drunk. Sak called to tell us he was coming out to get hammered. The evening was looking like a lot of fun. I eventually decided to give up on driving and began drinking beers. We all had some overproof rum and cokes, and shots of Jager before we headed to the bars.

Times: 7:15pm - 10:15pm

Cornerstone: Loud. We found Gretchen (who does not move to Philly until January) and Becky (who, if I’m not mistaken, was dressed exactly the same as last time I saw her), and we drank. Rachel was also there. I kicked some people, and stole some drinks. I don’t think anything else happened.

Times: 10:30pm - 11:45pm

Santa Fe: More drinks. I believe I told Gretchen that she should give me tickets to a Caps-Flyers game in Philly, whereupon she could pick me up in jail or at the infirmary afterwards. I explained my shirt to several people. More kicking.

Times: 11:50pm - 1:15am (estimate)

7-11: Big Triple Sid says Behailu got fired, but couldn’t explain why. I got my sample cup without asking. The new guy cleaned up the microwave for me so I could cook yet another sausage egg and cheese biscuit. I’m not sure if I paid or not. Fenlon was invited to throw change at people by Big Triple Sid, but it was a lie. I found this MD lottery grocery store conveyor belt divider thing, and stole it by shoving it down the front of my pants.

Times: 1:20am - 1:35am

Becky’s: Where we had once had 3 girls and 3 guys going to Becky’s, we ended up with Becky, Troy, Fenlon, and I. Sak was gone. I was trying to hit everything with my MD lottery stick. Fenlon borrowed it, and immediately threw it into the utility closet. I spent some time trying to fish it out, to no avail. Fenlon and I were messing with something, when all the sudden Fenlon grabbed me and pulled me into a room. “Something’s going on back there with those two!”

Times: 1:45am - 1:55am

Rachel’s room: It turned out to be Rachel’s room, so we started fucking around. Her camcorder may have genitalia on it. Fenlon said we should try to get makeup like the guys in A Clockwork Orange, and found some mascara. Mascara is hard to put on properly, so both of us ended up with black streaks under one eye instead of anything reasonable. I tried to steal a Kurt Vonnegut book, but Fenlon said not to. Neither of us knows why. I stabbed the desk with a knife, and Fenlon put on a pair of Rachel’s jeans. They fit. He then put on his original pair, so he could steal them. Finally, Becky and Troy left the living room, so we could escape Rachel’s crap room.

Times: 1:55am - 2:25am

Bathroom: I wanted to take a piss, but Fenlon thought I was just trying to make more things wrong in the bathroom. Fenlon decided we needed war paint, so I ended up with red paint and he had green. We put it on each other. Not gay. They have an iPod speaker mount in there, so we put on silly shit like Kelly Clarkson and began shouting. At some point I was standing on the toilet. I may have stabbed the counter in there with a knife as well. We decided to turd burgle them, each of us putting a roll of toilet paper in our pants.

Times: 2:25am - 2:35am

Finding Sak: We broke out, passing Rachel on the way through the door (”Your apartment is great, we had a blast!”). Fenlon may have acquired a means of transportation. He rode off, while I jogged after him. We both knew that Sak was at Ratsie’s, so it was cool. On the way there, I encountered several people who laughed quite hard at me with my war paint. My response every time was “Hey! I helped a guy get laid, it was worth it!”. Invariably, the person agreed. We got to Ratsie’s, where some Indian dude was all pissed off because he was doing well with a girl and then something went wrong. I blamed it on Cornerstone. He seemed to like me, so he insisted that we have wings with his friends from Howard. He then shoved me into them, but it was cool. Upon arriving at the wings, I found Fenlon already eating them. There was concern that Fenlon was getting greedy. Sak got his food. Somehow, some frat guys started arguing with the guys from Howard. I decided it was time to leave. The Indian guy and his friend were very perplexed by this argument, and then admitted that they had just met the one Howard guy yesterday and didn’t know him well at all. I was uninterested. We broke out.

Times: 2:45am - 3:00am

Journey home: We walked down Rt. 1. Then Paint Branch. Fenlon mentioned a bike path possibly leading home, and before we made a decision, Sak just started walking down it. Sak began drunk dialing, and was on the phone for virtually all of the remainder of this tale. The bike path was very dark. Fenlon found some thin metal pieces on the ground that I picked up and started flailing around with. The bike path put us in College Park somewhere. Eventually, where we wanted to go was blocked by the Metro stop. Turn around. Sak may have found himself a means of transportation as well. Sak crashes. Sak crashes. Sak crashes. Each of these is minor, and he moves on. Eventually he rode off fast, while Fenlon and I found the appropriate path home. Fenlon rode off to get Sak, who came back on his own. On the path, I told Sak to just walk rather than ride the means of transport he may or may not have been on. He did not listen. About 15 seconds later, I hear an “Uh!”, as if the wind has been knocked out of someone who has fallen. It’s Sak. I was now in charge of any and all transport Sak may have found. The walk home was long and dark, and a busted wheel caused me lots of problems. We eventually circle Lake Artemesia, go under some overpass, trod in dirt that had the consistency of feces, and come out near the playing fields. Finally, we arrived home.

Times: 3:00am - 4:10am

Softcore: Sak passed out right away. Fenlon put on some softcore that had Tera Patrick in it (some of you may be familiar with her work in actual porn). The movie was bad. We washed the war paint off our faces, and finally went to bed.

Times: 4:15am - 5:30am

TROY’S TALE

SO COLD!: Awake, with only socks on, alone, with one thin sheet, absolutely freezing, on what I have forgotten is Audry’s bed. Stumble up and am confused. See pink towel. Don pink towel. Piss. On the way out of the bathroom, wave at Rachel. Go into room and lay back down. Try to figure out how to close window to stop torrent of cold air. Unsuccessful because window is already closed. Get up and get dressed. Look at computer and realize I am in Audry’s room. Chuckle at possibility of her walking in on current scene. Exit room, time to go home.

Times: 6:45-7:00

Guerrilla omelet: Text Fenlon, text Dom. No response. Greet other roommate(cute one with the bangs) as she gets in the shower. While she is in shower, look through the refrigerator. FREE EGGS! Make myself an omelet quickly. Consume. After exiting the shower, she asks if I cooked something. I reply: ?My dad always told me: ‘When you wake up in a strange place, put on some pants and make some eggs.’? That is a lie. She thinks it’s good advice and leaves for her Smithsonian internship. Message fenlon.

Times: 7:00-7:20

Now what?: Wait on the couch for a while to see if anyone will emerge and help me. No dice. Message Sak. Message Dom. Fuck this, exit. Walk down to atm to get money in case I need to pay for a cab. Dom replies unsatisfactorily, I respond. Call sak, nothing. Call fenlon, nothing. Fenlon calls back and will come get me. Horray! Buy 2 Gatorades and a pack of gum. Wait on corner. Fenlon picks me up.

Times: 7:20-9:00

Ride home: Fenlon regales me with his stories from last night. Informs me that it was Jason who altered the AC. It was worth it. Take long shower. Am generally useless at work. An hour and a half commute home.

Times: 9:00-5:45

Apendix: Text Log(verbatim)

From: Me
To: Fenlon
Time:7:00
Body: Help! Woke up in audreys room. Didnt puke though. Now need ride.

From: Me
To: Dom
Time:7:05
Body: Dom, i am aware that this request is unreasonable, but ifyou find youself on campus this morning, i am in commons 4 and could use a ride. Good day.

From: Me
To: Fenlon
Time:7:19
Body: Made myself a geurilla omlete. still stuck here though. Please advise.

From: Me
To: Sak
Time:8:00
Body: In commons 4 if you have the ability and desire to come get me.

From: Me
To: Dom
Time:8:15
Body: Send help! In commons 4

From: Dom
To: Me
Time:8:37
Body: I’m at work now. I can come get you at lunch though.

From: Me
To: Dom
Time:8:39
Body: Apreciate it, but i think i need to get back just a little sooner. Just walked to atm in case I see a cab. Will try others

SAK’S TALE

1. I can’t believe I passed out before softcore porn featuring Tera Patrick? I love her!

2. Never swear off hard liquor in the presence of other hard liquor drinkers (especially if you have no real conviction behind your claim). People will call your bluff all night by placing mixed drinks in your hands even if you say you only want to drink beer. It’s comparable to females being interested in sleeping with you if you tell them you’re gay. People love to prove a point, by calling bullshit on you.

3. Drunk dialing can be a fun way of reconnecting with friends or getting revenge on those that drunk dial you regularly. But one should always make a list of approved ‘drunk-dialees’. That list should never include female vampires, former girlfriends or hook-ups who you have not contacted within two calendar years, unstable former co-workers at your current place of employment that still talk to people at that place of employment, or single mothers with jobs that wake them up early (out of respect). NO EXCEPTIONS!

4. No one likes or respects a liar! But telling bold-faced lies to members of the previously stated ?DO NOT CALL LIST? is always acceptable. For example when you receive a text or voicemail message the next day about why you called at 3:45 AM, it is fine to use: “Oh I called you” I sincerely apologize. My ride was hooking up with some chick and I didn?t have cab fare, so I was calling my other friend “College Park Sara” [always add unnecessary description along with a similar first name to the person you actually called to make this person seem real] to pick me up and take me back to the place I was staying.?

5. **UN-RELATED BONUS ADVICE** Sabado Gigante on Univision is entertaining for people of all ages, regardless of your fluency in the Spanish language. Watching Sabado Gigante on Saturday with a cherry coke and a sandwich from Sheetz is not a lost evening.

6. Finally riding a bicycle in the dark is generally a poor idea if you can not remember where you are trying to go. It is also a poor idea to try to jump a bicycle over a curb when you yourself do not have the balance required to jump over the same curb on foot.