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NOFX Backstage Passport is a reality show on the Fuse channel. I have several problems with this.

NOFX sells out?

NOFX has never done anything resembling or in close proximity to reality.

What the fuck is Fuse?

On the other hand, there are some positives:

I’m not certain reality show on Fuse qualifies as selling out.

Reality TV sucks in general. This is at least interesting.

I prefer my entertainment to be far flung form reality. I live in reality. There is no need to revisit what I know on TV. They do a good job making ‘reality TV’ a bit far flung.

Here is the website.

The Kia commercial on the main page doesn’t fit at all. It only affirms my ’sell out’ suspicions.

To be fair, the show is kinda fun. Fat Mike and the gang traveling to shows all over the place, dealing with half baked promoters, then doing plenty of drugs. They are nearly torn to shreds by an angry mod/police in a busted Peru show. S and M in Japan. Oh FUCK we are going to Singapore…what on me counts as drugs? Buying and snorting Singapore drugs called “the green dragon” whatever that may be.

Well, that was interesting 2 episodes. Remember when we called out intermural team Punk in Drublic then the ever famout I Heard They Suck? Fuck you Greeanee, stealin’ my team name.

I’m downloading some NOFX right now.

Two new episodes to comment upon. Ireland and Czech Republic.

Zane is at it again this time teaching us old timey Irish talk, how to pour Guinness, proving almost no one likes absinthe, and even discovering a spa housed in a brewery.

Both are quality episodes taking one back to the old country, which old country fits you best is left to the history books. After visiting several absinthe bars in Prague Zane is unable to find anyone who actually likes the stuff, including those who work at the bars! He does teach us the two ways of drinking absinthe: the French (no fire therefore gay) and the Czech (fire therefore correct). The viewers education is further enhanced when they discover a new way to increase the amount of beer that can be consumed. In Prague, the custom is to start the evening with two type of food (and Pilsner Urquell of course). The first is a very strong cheese to be mashed with some beer then eaten with bread. It looks terrible but apparently isn’t. The coup de grau is a pig knee on a spit. According to legend, this pregame will allow one to drink at least 15 beers without incurring a hangover. Remember, they mean full pints of real beer, not Bud Lite bottles Lastly, a must for anyone traveling in the region, a relaxing day at the spa. Conveniently located within a still operating medieval brewery this is a one stop shop for relaxation!

Ireland is pretty much what you would expect. Incoherent English and militant drunks who take offense over two primary issues Guinness and Whiskey. Now, I agree with the locals about the Guinness but I can’t really fall in step over the Whiskey. To me Scotch and Bourbon are both superior to Irish whiskey, but I will put it a step above Canadian. I realize my lack of experience with different Irish whiskey does not make me a great judge, but what’s done is done. Hopefully the IRA doesn’t track me down.

You really need to see this movie, and have some experience with Baltimore, in order to appreciate it.

Teenager growing up in Hampden is given crappy camera his mother found at a thrift store for fifteen cents. He starts photographing everything he sees wondering the broken down areas of the city including his girlfriends laundramat, older sister tending gay bar, and lesbian stripper bush at the Pelt Parade. And of course the wonders found on the streets of white trash Baltimore. Pecker (yes it is the young shutterbugs name) is discovered by a wildy out of place Manhattan art dealer. The show she puts on in New York city is quite the scene as wide eyed, uptight Manhattanites find great depth in the images of poverty and desspair the Baltimoreans don’t even realize they suffer from.

Of course, everything starts to fall apart when Pecker becomes so famous all his friends, family, and photographic subjects turn on him. He rectifies the situation by turning down a prestiges NY art gallery opting instead to turn his fathers crappy bar into a cultural hot spot only Baltimore could produce. The New Yorkers show up to the grand opening and the best part occurs.

Baltimore shows New York its life. Then, literally and figuratively, teabags New York’s bald head.

This show is all pictured Pecker took while in New York, mostly of the art people now in attendance.

O’s, Stoh’s, and Natty Boh’s.

Network: Mojo - HD only

Characters: Zane Lamprey as himself, if that is his real name.

Episodes influencing review: South Korea, Kentucky, Champagne, Belgium

Concept: One of those dudes who travels the world experiencing cultures via food. Except the food is booze and lots of it. You may have noticed every network on television has come out with there own ‘Galloping Gourmet’. Some arrogant jackass travels to weird places, normally 3rd world, eating all kinds of crazy stuff. Three Sheets takes the same approach except the traveler is a less arrogant drunken jackass, but his name is Zane which is obviously stupid. As described by a guest on the show, Steve the friend, Three Sheets is about “Some asshole going around gettin’ shit faced everywhere.” Unlike Dave Attell, this guy usually gets hammered.

Random observations:
Kentucky is far more foreign then Seoul, SouthKorea and Champagne, France. A bar in Loiseville served Apple Pie shots, which was a secret recipe. I guess they don’t know Lenny Barnard has their secret. The old toothless guy believes a whole in the floor is a wishing well but only takes cash, $20 at a time.

The finest bourbon, possibly whiskey, in the world is Old Rip Van Winkle.

South Korea is full of drunks. They have the best ‘bomb’ drink of all time. 6 glasses half full of Cass beer. Any lager should do when you can’t find Cass state side. 6 shots of Soju which is like a South Korean vodka. Line up the glasses then stack the shots on top of the glasses resting them where two rims meet. Use the 6th shot glass to knock the other 5, like dominoes, into the waiting glasses of beer. Drink! The next morning, if you are in Seoul, you should eat at ‘hae jang kook’. The sign is subtitled in English ‘broth to chase a hangover’, it will be crowded. If you were in Kentucky, you would have a snort of bourbon in your coffee to handle the hangover.

Even the most well trained Frenchman can’t really indicate, in a blind taste test, which is better between Moet, Crystal, Dom, or the local cheap stuff at a local Champagne watering hole.

The national dish of Belgium is Mussels and Fries. French fries, the ones we know, where invented in Belgium not France, but what the hell is difference? They were invented at Thrashers in Ocean City, MD for all I care.

I need to get some of the Belgian beer stemmed beer glasses with the gold rim.

Belgium is definitely the place to go for a beeracation. Apparently, an ancient monastery brews a beer that may be the best in the world. You can only buy it from the monastery, in person, one case at a time. The monks require you to swear not to resell it. The show was not allowed to show the label. I don’t feel like googling it right now. Orval is also made at a monastery but without the secrets. You can find it in the U.S. Compared to Belgian beers, American beers are like Sex in a canoe…they are close to water. A Zane Zinger!

Currently my top shelf only includes two bottle. Bulleit boubon whiskey and Macallan Cask Strength Red Sherry Single Malt Whiskey. Recently, I finished a bottle of Dunston Single Malt Scotch, which I don’t recommend. It was bland, had to drink it with lots of ice.

The Bulleit comes highly recommended by both Troy and Phil. I agree with their assesment. It is a delicious rye paired with a splash of water or a small amount of ice. If you want to change it up, try making Irish coffee with it.  I made espresso then mixed it with about 1/5th bourbon. Even though it was a low grade espresso (I must buy something better) this made for a nice wake me up cocktail.

Macallan 10 year old Cask Strength Red Sherry isn’t for the faint of heart. Weighing in at 105 proof this exquisites scotch should be enjoyed with a splash of water. I do not recommend it neat or on the rocks, but you should just for yourself. A few sniffs and sips of this stuff neat is enough to let you know it is way to potent to drink neat for very long; nonetheless, you should try it for your self. The red sherry aspect of the drink is indicative of the aging process. The end of the aging process takes place in oak once used to age sherry. This gives the scotch a redish color and a unique flavor.

Enjoy irresponsibly.

Staring: Patrick Swayze (Road House, Load of Crap), Liam Neeson (Batman Begins, Lots of Awesomeness)
Supporting Cast: Chick from Mad About You as Patrick Swayze’s pregnant wife, The One Armed Man from The Fugitive as Mob Boss, Adam Baldwin as Filthy Mobster, Ben Stiller as Mob Boss stupid son, Bill Paxton as Hillbilly who dies early

Since this is my first movie review I should preface the action with several disclaimers. I am drunk, Bulleit bitches. You all know I am bad with names; therefore, I will type cast thespians at will. For example, the mob boss will only be referred to as The Oned Armed Man. Plots will be blown and endings disclosed. Also, I reserve the right to make up adjectives and adverbs at will. Let us begin.

Next of Kin is in many ways a standard cop movie where things get personal for the lead, Patrick Swayzee. In this case, the lead is a Kentucky hillbilly ex-paratrooper turned Chicago P.D. detective. Things get personal when his little brother (Bill Paxton) is murdered by some guido ass bitches (Adam Baldwin, Ben Stiller) . The funeral takes place back in Appalachia, that’s right we are back in Kentucky, the home of Bulleit.

Oh shit, I just saw a boostmobile commercial with Biz Markie! That was awesome, everyone loves the Biz.

During the home stand, we meet the other brother (Liam Neeson) a hillbilly living in a trailer who makes his own shot gun shells. His scaggily beard and stupid trucker hat make a convincing argument for his redneckitude.

Liam is dead set on eye for an eye vengeance. He berates Swayze for his love of ‘due process’ then quickly makes enough ammunition for a war from the mob. He goes to Chicago and threatens the mafia with his shotgun. He wants his brothers killer turned over or ‘it won’t be very fun working here’. The hooker calls the police.

Swayze’s wife if pregnant when she receives a Sicilian message; red paint in the face courtesy of the least Baldwin looking Baldwin of all time. Then, the mobsters kill Liam Neeson, those bastards. As a result, Liam Neeson’s friend who runs the boarding house informs the ‘next of kin’. A load of hillbillies load up the campers, one filled with snakes, the women folk pack a bunch of picnic baskets, now a hoard of bow’n'arrow tottin’, hound dog leadin’, shot gun loadin’, country boys have found their way to the big city.

A classic shootout takes place in a cemetery. Swayze gets them to meet then starts taking down gangsters with his sterling bow and arrow work. Just when Baldwin has Swayze in his sights, the cavalry arrive…in the form of hound dogs, bows, and shot guns. The shootout is indeed classic. Anyhoo, the Oned armed man shows up with his most trusted muscle. These guido’s bring us closure, wrapping up the action in a sweet little bow. Turns out Baldwin was the one who killed the One Armed Man’s son, Ben Stiller. Baldwin hated Stiller for threatening his future control over the gang. This is all irrelevant drivvle, the point is, everyone hates everyone.

The One Armed Man hates Baldwin for killing his son, so instead of killing Swayze, he kills Baldwin. The guido’s and the hillbillies form a pact of protection leaving the viewer with sweet delicious closure.

Overall, I would say Next of Kin makes a decent background movie while you do other things. All by itself, it would be another semi-star-studded dissapointment punctuated with an unrealistic cemetery shootout but, for action packed mayham, you could do alot worse. In fact, we all have, remember Rear Window? My drunk ass blew up that movie like a Iranian Nuke plant (I can see into the future), this movie isn’t nearly as predictable and it is one hell of a lot more interesting. If you have free couple of hours with something else to do, this makes a pretty decent background movie.

2.7 of 5 Mr. Bohs.

-The King sRock

Note: The Huks have no affiliation with The Hunks of Spice.

Initially, I saw this album cover and thought, “Tight jeans, body paint and an all around bad-ass look. Man these are some guys I could really relate too!” I donned my earphones, eagerly anticipating an assault of kick ass lyrics and hard hitting riffs. Boy was I wrong.
Diether Ocampo, Piolo Pascual, Jericho Rosales, Carlos Agassi and Bernard Palanca disappoint both the ear and the soul. I felt betrayed by their sound: a soul crushing Latin inspired sissy-rock. It is sad to say, but I think the Dixie Chicks pack more of a wallop than these so called Huks. I give them 4 out of 5 stars.

-Fenlon

First, lets clear something up. This is a review of the well known live version of Mother, sometimes referred to as Mother ‘93, from Danzig’s live performance on Halloween night 1992 and included on an EP release. The video for the original version of Mother from their first release, the self-titled Danzig, can be found here. Their initial effort is poor at best. Mother 93′ features clips from at least 2 live performances and shows the true Danzig fury.

We start with slow motion shots of headbanging, catching only glimpses of the fury Danzig is about to unleash on the mostly male and virgin audience. 28 seconds into the video, you see Danzig imploring the crowd to sing along, since they obviously know every word, and probably go to bed every night clutching their Danzig action figures. As the chorus starts, Danzig starts flailing and punching the air, no doubt enticing the crowd to do the same. Many attendees are seen being thrown of the stage by the security personnel. At the 1:04 mark, an African American security guard can be seen. The look on his face embodies sheer confusion: What the hell is wrong with all these white people? Obviously the magnetic attraction offered by Danzig’s mesh shirt overcomes reason.

Danzig then begins to physically interact with the crowd, beginning with a backhanded fist high five. Another brave soul, whilst being held by a security guard reaches out for the high five, luckily he was not killed by Danzig’s sweat and anger. At the 2:04 mark, something happens that, in my opinion, vaults the video from a 7 or 8 to scrumptious. Someone in the crowd somehow elicits a smile from Danzig, who then reaches out to almost shake hands with the fan. I can only assume he did something like rip some guys throat out, a la Patrick Swayze in Road House. Then, but a few seconds later, he punches into the crowd with such ferocity that someone surely was killed. So goes the fickle emotions of Glenn Danzig. The moral of the story is that Danzig is going to take your daughter out tonight, and he is definitely going to show her his world (wang).

natty boh’s out of 5
-Mr. McBatzold